Sparrow's Ramblings

Life how I see it from my nest on the High Plains


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Success…finally!


It’s amazing what a little success can do for a person’s attitude. empty-bulb-and-exclamation-mark

I’ve just started a new job at the Cube Farm, and it’s been like nothing else I’ve ever done. As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog post, it’s been so overwhelming that it’s a little like trying to take a sip out of an open fire hydrant. Today, though, I had a giant light bulb in by head flicker to life. I think I am finally getting some of this stuff, and it feels good.

It was a nice offset to some crappy news I got from my new lawyer at the end of the day. I won’t go into the details right now, but suffice it to say that my ex husband is up to no good again, which gives me no end of heartburn and causes my B.S.-O-Meter to ping in the red zone.

I felt kind of cranky while working my 2nd job tonight thinking about some of the crappy things I have to deal with, especially my ex. Then I got to work with two really great young ladies, one of which I’ve just decided to adopt. If I were to have a daughter, I’d want one just like her. Her mom left their family, so she doesn’t have a good mother figure around. We have good talks and I know she helps me. I only hope that I am as good a help to her. It’s kind of great that she gives me a big hug every time I walk into the store. Today I sure did need it.

Older Son had the day off and was fabulous and cleaned up in the kitchen today. It’s nice to have him to come home to. Our schedules don’t match up very well, but I usually get to see him at the end of the day. We had a nice time on Friday, going out to lunch, and to a movie, on a rare day off together. We saw the 3rd Hunger Games movie: Mockingjay. It was really good, and I recommend it highly.

So, I had a nice end to my evening. You can’t get away from the bull shit in life, but it sure is nice when you have so much good happening around you to tip the scales to the positive side of things. It’s a great thing to have so many blessings.

Here’s hoping you all had a great end to your evening, no matter what other crappy stuff life is dishing out. Blessings all!


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Ok, I’ve arrived! Now what?!


Greetings to you, my Faithful Readers…

I know it’s been a while, and I have been away for a long time. To say that I have been busy would be a bit of an understatement. Not only did Younger Son graduate from high school and then join the military after a nice long summer, but I have also been occupied with my two jobs, as well as trying to have a semblance of a personal life. I have also been caught up in shenanigans from my ex husband. All in all, it’s been quite a wild ride this year, most especially this last half.

Recently, the thing that has struck me the most is my inability to “get it together”, as it were. I’ve kind of floated through life this last year half freaked out, and half numb, not quite understanding what my problem is. I’ve felt a general sense of being paralyzed in my thoughts and ability to function. It’s a little like walking through life where there’s no color, no passion, no real living…there’s been a whole lot of existing.

In the last couple of months I’ve had some epiphanies, and just now I’ve been able to piece together in my head what my heart has been hollering at me for quite a while: I’ve really had the terrible feeling of not having a purpose.

What?! How can one not have a purpose? Well, let’s define that a little better. I can’t find a meaningful purpose for my daily existence. I haven’t had a goal of what I want to do, or be, or where I want to go. My sole purpose for the last 5 years has been to get my children through school, and launched into the world as productive, self-sufficient human beings. Older Son is working, has successfully financed his first vehicle by himself, and really doesn’t need me so much any more. Younger Son, as I earlier mentioned, is off learning about the world via the military. He will learn a skill that is marketable in civilian life, and is pretty self-sufficient. I miss him terribly, but I don’t worry for him. At least not yet. In short, I’m here…now what?

What about my work? Do I not find a purpose, or a reason to get up in the morning for that alone? Yes. Just barely. In the last month, I have been able to get a new position at the Cube Farm. It did come with a little bit of a raise and the people I work with are nice, with the exception of my Ex. Yes, he also got promoted to this new department. It’s been more than a little stressful having him in close proximity, especially now that he is dragging me through court…again. Even though that makes it uncomfortable, the work is so boring and overwhelming at the same time… so much coming at me at once. It’s a little like trying to take a sip out of a wide open fire hydrant, and not terribly inspiring. At least my last position was something I believed in. I loved the people I worked for, and therefore worked harder.

Between some pretty awful changes at work locally, and at a Corporate level, and my lack on anyone to take care of, I feel cut loose and rudderless. I don’t feel like I have a stable platform to stand on every day where I know what I am about, and what I need to do, other than just to go through the motions of getting through the day.

Quite frankly, I feel a little as though I’m on a big highway to Nowhere.empty-highway-road

How about my love life? I’m ok with it. However, I know that it can be better. This brings me to my first epiphany. I think I might be ready to move in with my Flirt. It will take some sacrifice on both sides because we are both somewhat set in our ways, but I think we’ll do ok once we get there.

Younger Son said something to me this Summer, just before he left, that inspired me. He encouraged me to move away, and get a fresh start. My brother is busy trying to get me and my parents to move closer to his family. We’ve missed out on a lot of each other’s lives being so far away, and I’m ready to have more family around again. Second epiphany: I’m done with this place, and I would dearly love to have a clean break from it and go somewhere new and interesting.

How do I get those two ideas (moving in with my Flirt, and moving away) together and moving in the same direction? It helps that my Flirt was present for that conversation with Younger Son and promptly agreed, saying “yeah, let’s go“. No hesitation, no worry about what to do when we get to wherever it is that we are going. That’s one of the things I love about him. He brings a spontaneous sense of adventure to my life.

dancing-flamesJust this last few months, I’ve felt a fire growing in my belly that I’ve not had in a long time. I’ve spoken about having a fire in one’s belly before. This fire isn’t so much the comfy campfire kind. It’s more like a conflagration, raging out of control underneath everything else that is stressing me out. It’s not something I built consciously, but it just kind of sprang up out of left field. I can see in my head what I want, and where I want to be, and when I want to get there, but I don’t have a clear path yet and it’s frustrating. As such, I’ve almost avoided thinking about it, while still getting ate up by it.  This is the sense of purpose that I have been missing, and I need to get a choke hold on it and not fear it, or worry over it, or obsess on it. I need to prepare to be ready to jump on a good opportunity when it becomes available.

So, what’s the plan? Good question. There’s a lot to consider, and it’s more than a little overwhelming. I have a tendency to get lost in the weeds, so I have narrowed my goals down to a few items to try to keep it manageable:

1. Get my house ready for sale.

That’s right. I’m ready to dump my happy little fixer upper. First, I have a little fixing up to do. Hopefully most of it will just be cosmetic, and stuff I can do over the next year.

2. Get my finances under control.

During the last two years, my Ex decided that he didn’t want to pay what the court ordered him to pay me, and I have been robbing Peter to pay Paul. As a result, I’m trying to dig out, and get my suffering credit score out of the dumper.

3. Get healthy

I back-slid something fierce in the health department, having gained 25 lbs in the last year. I know most of it has to do with stress, because there’s nothing like the crunchy fabulousness of chips and dip, or the velvety goodness of ice cream, when the world is falling down around your ears. I’m pretty miserable carrying all of this extra weight, and I want to feel good again.

4. Get the situation with my Ex under control for good.

I’m tired of him thumbing his nose at me, and at the court system. They command him to do something, “or else”, and then he just does what he wants anyway without repercussion. I’m hopeful that this will be the last go-round with him in the court system, and that it will be done by the time March rolls around.

5. I need to get my spiritual life active again

What does this entail? All sorts of things that I just haven’t engaged in for a very long time. At this time in my life, though, I don’t feel bound by any one religion, or spiritual practice. I’ve come to realize, having been raised a Lutheran, you can take the girl out of the church, but you can’t quite take the Lutheran out of the girl. Much of who I am comes from that upbringing, even though I don’t agree with a bunch of what I was taught. I was also a practicing Wiccan for several years and, though there are some things about that mode of spirituality I don’t agree with anymore, there is much of value I can take comfort in. There’s a whole world of spiritual goodness out there, and I want to get back to being a seeker.

6. I need to learn how to live simply and decrapify (yes, that’s a word. At least in my world)

My house is full of crap I don’t need, and hardly use. My next dwelling will most likely be an apartment, or something I can rent, and I want to be able to pick up and go with as little drama and effort as possible. That means getting rid of things that don’t serve any immediate or lasting purpose.

7. Start writing again

I missed writing, and I missed interaction with you. I have had a habit of thinking in recent times that I didn’t have anything to write about that anyone would be interested in. The truth is, I have loved writing this blog for me. I found healing in it, and it’s something I need and want to get back to.

Well, I think I might have exhausted myself with all of this blather. I guess it’s been pent-up for a while and it feels good to write again. I missed it, and I’ve missed you guys.

I hope you all have that thing that lights a fire in your gut, and that makes you feel like you have a purpose. If you don’t, come walk with me and we’ll find it together. Blessings, all!


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Sleep…where the heck is it when you need it?


My son sent me a picture today of our cat, Harley, and I must admit I was instantly jealous.

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What? Why would I be jealous of whatever my cat is doing at any given moment of the day?

You see, I received this picture on my phone during a pretty dry meeting today. If I hadn’t had my laptop open and actively working on something while trying to pay attention to what was being said, I might have fallen asleep myself. Looking at Harley taking a nap in the sunshine just about did me in.

Sleep is something that I am badly in need of, and constantly find myself chasing after. There are rare occasions where I can just lay down and sleep falls softly on my head like fog moving in. It’s stealthy, calming and comforting. Most times, though, I have to trick myself into falling asleep. There are so many things to think about and keep track of that the inside of my head looks like a million internet browsers open and running all at one time.

When I was a kid, I remember hiding in my neighbor’s garage because I knew my mother wanted me to lay down and take a nap. There was no way I was tired, and didn’t want to have to lay still all afternoon. Looking back, now I realize the poor woman was so tired from keeping up with me and my brother that she just needed a little shut eye. Whoa…lesson learned there. I now understand the magic of taking an afternoon nap.

It’s almost midnight, and right about now I catch a second wind. I’m kind of a night person and don’t mind staying up late. The problem is having to get up in the morning!

That said, perhaps I should go find my pillow and talk my brain into shutting down for the night. Here’s wishing you all a good, solid night’s sleep!

 

 

 


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10 Basic Rules for New Bloggers


Yesterday I had an interesting conversation with a young friend at work. He is thinking about taking up blogging and it got me to thinking about what I have learned from the blogging I have done through the years. I think most of it boils down to a lot of common sense – be nice, treat people how you would want to be treated, etc. However, there are some other things that are worth mentioning for those who are new to blogging:

1. It’s ok to blog under a made up name.

Blogging under your real name opens you up for a  lot of garbage you may not want to deal with. Number one thing I can think of is that employers data mine to find out more about potential employees. If you blog under your real name and have opinions that do not mesh with a potential employer, it could cost you that job. Some people may not worry about this, and that’s ok too. Personally, I would rather keep any potential employers guessing. My business is my business, not theirs.

Also, you have family or friends that may give you problems about your opinions/ideas/etc. Sometimes it’s easier just to keep the peace by not blogging under your real name. This brings me to my next point:

2. It’s ok to be yourself.

Your blog should not be encumbered  or hemmed in by what others think. You should feel completely free to talk about any subject you wish, and let your freak flag fly. You may have thoughts and feelings that nobody else knows about that will feel good to just get off of your chest, and blog can be a fabulous outlet for things you can’t tell others. One thing is guaranteed – after a time, you will meet others of like mind, and then your horizons will explode. You will meet some really great people, and run into some awful internet trolls.   See Rules #4 & #5 for more about trolls.

3. Fact check before you post. And then do it some more.

I can’t stress this highly enough. Make sure you know what you are talking about before you blog about it. It’s always easy enough to shoot from the hip and just blurt out what you think you know, but check yourself. Spend some time reading up on a topic and check a couple of different sources. You don’t ever want to be caught off guard by someone who posts on your blog because you got your facts wrong. Be ready to cite reliable sources, but also don’t take criticism to heart.

Also, check the temperature on the topic. What are other people writing about, and what are some of the prevailing notions and opinions? You will know right away if someone is talking out of their ass, or if they have done their homework, if you have already done yours.  It is also OK to ask for your reader’s input about a topic. It’s a good conversation starter and another interesting way to meet people of like mind. Sometimes your comments on a given blog post will get really full!

Not all posts will be totally about a factual issue. Sometimes you will write totally about your feelings and opinions. Be ready for people to push back. See Rule #6

4. Don’t sweat the trolls

Trolls are everywhere, lurking under whatever bridge you come across and are waiting to attack your blog. You can’t argue with these idiots because they live for hurting feelings and making people mad. Your best bet is to ignore them because they thrive on drama and love to stir pots. This doesn’t mean that anyone who posts contrary to what you think is a troll…most people are pretty decent. If worse comes to worse, you can always block them if you have to.

5. For the love of all that is green and holy, don’t BE a troll.

When it comes to other people’s blogs, the Golden Rule is the thing to keep in mind. I wrote a whole post about how to reply to posts that make you mad and you can find it here. If you go through and read all of the different associated blog posts and comments that are linked from that post, you can see the whole perfect troll storm that can take place. All it takes is one jackass to light a whole bunch of people’s hair on fire.

6. Use conflicting opinions to foster dialog and learn something about yourself.

When someone posts a differing opinion, do some research, ask questions, and get that dialog rolling. Visit their blogs and make thoughtful comments on their posts, unless they are trolls.  An example I have to share about fostering dialog on differing opinions can be found here, and probably in the blog post following that one. Go ahead and blog about difficult topics. These are things the probably need to have a light shined on them…drag those suckers out in the open and give them some fresh air. Just be mindful that your opinion isn’t the last word on a topic…you never know what someone will be passionate about.

7. Make sure you have permission to post pictures or content if it isn’t yours.

If you copy from other places, it’s a good way to get your blog complained about or shut down altogether, unless you have permission from the artist/author, or use common domain information/ images. It’s probably the best idea to use original pictures you take, and write your own content. Make sure to give credit to someone if they give you permission, or if it comes from a common source. You can always try googling public domain sources for images as well. Just be aware than Royalty Free and free of cost are two different things.

8. Don’t just blog about one topic.

You are a complex human being with thoughts, feelings, and an innate sense of curiosity. Blog about anything that makes you question or feel something. Use this as an opportunity to learn more about something you always wondered about, or expand upon something you know a little about. Write a confession, write a review, share recipes. Whatever interests you enough to think about, is good enough to blog about.

You can always be more specific later, or in a separate blog page. I know people who have separate blogs for separate topics. Me, I throw it all together in one giant pot. Everyone has their own style and you will have to blog a while before you find out what yours is.

9. Keep it positive.

Using your blog as a place to constantly whine/complain/rant is a HUGE turn off to a reader. If you have a rant, bring it, but make sure to do your homework and provide structure to your argument in such a way that people will want to engage you in conversation. This takes practice. Don’t be afraid to leave a post sit over night and read through it again the next day so you can see it with a fresh pair of eyes.

10. Above all, don’t give up.

It takes a quite a while of writing your own blog and reading/commenting on other blogs before you will get your own following. Blog for yourself, and no one else. Those of like mind will find you, so long as you make sure to use your tags effectively, and participate in other people’s blogs.

Well, there they are – Sparrow’s Top 10 Rules for Beginner Bloggers. Please note that these are my rules for blogging…not necessarily anyone else’s. While I feel like these are pretty much common sense rules for blogging, they are not the end all – be all.  Blogging is a good way to learn more about yourself and how you truly want to interact with the world around you. The blogosphere is a vast, amazing, fabulous place, and if you stick with it you will not only make some interesting friends, but learn a lot about yourself in the process.

Now go blog your heart out, and make up your own rules.

Happy Blogging!


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Well, hello there!

I’ve had two weeks off to do what’s needed to get ready for Younger Son’s graduation, which is tomorrow. Unfortunately, work reared its ugly head and I didn’t actually get the time I was expecting. That’s ok… I will survive this too.

One of the things high on my to-do list this week was to sit down to my blog and actually write something. Today, even though I have more housework to do than God, and laundry backed up for miles, I decided to ignore all of that and take time for myself. If my house isn’t perfectly dusted…whatever.

I miss you guys and think of you often. frequently throughout the week I will have some very interesting thing crawl across my brain, complete with a blog title, and then my day carries off with me. Some day I will be able to get back to my regular blogging. It’s one of those things that looms large in my bucket list of things I want for me.  Right now, however, many things appear to need my attention and so I run hither an yon making things happen as requested/needed/dictated.

Soon, my time is coming.

Younger Son is graduating tomorrow.  I’m very proud of him…not only is he going to graduate on the honor roll, but he scored well enough on the ASVAB test that he is going to be able to train to be an aircraft mechanic in the Navy starting in August. He took the oath back in January, and I think he is looking forward to moving on. Life in our fair city is more than  little stifling for him, I think. I will miss him very much, and I am pretty sure I will be lost without him for a long time after he leaves. But I can’t say I’m not ready to be on my own. It’s been a long haul, and I need to rest.

Yes, there will be much in the way of new beginnings, including a new beginning for me. Once Younger leaves home, I will mostly just be looking after myself. Older Son Still lives at home, but he works and is busy with his life. Many times I don’t even get to see him but a few minutes a day. And that’s ok…he’s 21 and doesn’t need Mom hanging over his shoulder. I’m pretty happy to not hang over anybody’s shoulder any more. I’ll be pretty happy to just live for me for a while. Sweetie and I on the bike

Just me and what I want to do…or not do.

I took a picture from the back of my Flirt’s motorcycle. Going for rides is something I really like to do…

Unfortunately, he’s trying to sell his motorcycle. I will miss it, but he’s looking to eventually buy a new one and I am hoping it has a nice squishy, comfy back seat for my extra curvaceous backside. ;)

I would also like to travel. I generally don’t go too far, but now I’d like to start branching out. Vegas is looming large in my Bucket List, and I am dropping hints to my Flirt now. He’s never flown before, and it’s going to take some fancy talking to get him in a plane. I think I might be able to, though…I just might. Flights from here to Vegas are really cheap, so it’s a doable getaway once I get my post-school-aged-children finances stabilized.

I’d like to work on my house. It needs a lot of TLC, which there isn’t a lot of budget for. I’ll start with paint…the trim throughout the house needs a fresh coat, and my bedroom absolutely needs to be painted. It still has the paint on the walls that my Ex chose. Blech…

When Younger leaves home, I think I am going to redo his room for me, and use my bigger bedroom as an office/craft/storage/spare room. New paint and curtains will make a huge difference in both spaces. It will be just the change I need.

Speaking of changes…mostly, I’m not a girly girl. I am not a huge fan of pink, I don’t wear makeup and I hate wearing heels. However, I find my taste in decorating is beginning to lean that way. I have really plain curtains throughout my house, and I suddenly feel a need to jazz things up a bit. For a while I ignored the urge, but I think I am just going to give into it and see where it goes. I was not born with the Martha Stewart gene, and I am no decorating pro. However, I have had success making my own curtains.  Trying to find interesting curtains in the stores has proven to be not fruitful, so I decided to widen my horizons a little, and I found this lovely scarf at Target:

Curtains I am so looking forward to turning this lovely material into my new kitchen curtains…it will be awhile before I can get to it, but it will be worth the wait.

Speaking of waiting, I need to get off my butt and get some more stuff done in preparation for tomorrow. Lots to get done before family comes in tonight, and the graduation and party tomorrow.

Here’s to new beginnings!

 


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Something about a truck…


I’ve been missing something lately, and it took me hearing a local band play the song “Something About a Truck” for me to figure it out.

Actually, I’ve been missing a lot of things lately, but this little something had been niggling at the very back of my consciousness for awhile. More about the other stuff later…what I have unpacked today is that I truly am a cheap date.

You see, I am a very simple girl with simple needs. I don’t dig fancy stuff, don’t care to wear make-up or curl my hair…God forbid I have to put a skirt on!

Tonight my Flirt and I are out listening to a live band in a small bar, playing pool and drinking pop. He’s playing against a guy from the next table over, and I was sitting here listening to the aforementioned song. It hit me like a ton of bricks just how much I miss driving in the country with my Flirt in his big old redneck truck. Or, the motorcycle. And there’s nothing quite like taking his Giant Dog for a walk on a quiet back road.

I miss the sunshine on my face. I miss the sound of the crickets and frogs in the sloughs, and the lovely breezes that blow in from across the fields. Winter really sucks the life out me, and makes me crave the simplest of pleasures.

Oh it’s going to be a long wait for Spring, but it’s coming… It’s coming.
I am so grateful that I can hang on to that.

There are enough simple pleasures to keep me balanced out until then, but when summer comes, and my Flirt and I can take a drive in the country, or take his Giant Dog for a walk down a country road at the end if a long day, I won’t just feel balanced out… I’ll be blissed out.

Here’s hoping you find that thing, that very simple thing, that gives you so much joy you just can’t hold it all. Blessings…

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Unpacking some stuff


Hi all…long time no blog!

I’m not sure where the last six months went, but they sure did go by in a blur, with nary a post from this little sparrow. My apologies to all for leaving you hanging. It seems that I have not only been tremendously busy, but have also struggled with some wicked writers block.

Sometimes it’s not just about feeling blocked up…I’ve been struggling with some emotions I just wasn’t quite sure what to do with, how to categorize, or how to think about them. When it came time to days when I did feel like writing, it wasn’t always the most positive things to talk about and I needed some time to try to figure out what was really going on in my head.

What’s gone on here at Sparrow’s nest during all of that time? A lot, and yet nothing. It’s been a quiet summer. I did just a little fishing, a little riding on the motorcycle with my Flirt, and spent some excellent quality time with my kids and my friends. I spent a whole lot of time trying to help Older Son get a real job, which was finally accomplished. I worked more than I should have at my two jobs, but it was a good Summer. The Fall season is proving a bit more hectic, and challenging though, which is a whole other post-full of stuff to talk about.

Something that’s come out of the woodwork lately is friends who are experiencing divorce. It started with one, and then another, and then another. The unraveling of someone’s life, especially a dear friend, is heartbreaking.  Having your life rearranged by divorce is such a traumatic injury to recover from, and it’s very hard to describe to someone how to go about trying to put it back together. In an overly simplistic analogy, it’s like unraveling a blanket you have been crocheting or knitting. When you’ve been working away a project like that for a long time, and then discover that there’s a defect, you have to unravel it and start again. Sometimes others unravel it for you. Either way, whoever is responsible for the unraveling,  your hard work has been pulled out, has become misshapen 006and now you have to begin again. There you sit with kinked up, unraveled yarn in piles around you, the warmth and comfort of a blanket you’ve been working on so diligently is now gone, and it takes effort to figure out where the next stitch goes…starting up again is slow going, but with careful consideration and thoughtfulness, it can be done. The end product won’t be the same as what you anticipated, but will be every bit as functional and lovely…maybe more so. Well, anyway, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

You see, I think feeling like I’m becoming unraveled has been a large part of my problem these last few months. One of the big reasons I had such a hard time writing was that I am now having to unpack things from being divorced I didn’t want to deal with before. Four years later, I have people asking me for advice on how to survive the process, and I feel quite a bit like a fraud. As it happens, I am still on that road, and haven’t reached anything close to the end.

I discovered just last night that I am not done on this journey of recovery. What made me realize this was Parents Night at Younger Son’s last home football game. Ever. He’s a Senior this year, and the parents of Seniors get recognized for all of the time, effort, money and hardship that goes into supporting a child in the local football program (which my Ex really hasn’t had to experience. Ouch…did I just say that out loud?). As such, I was required to stand with my Ex on the field, and step forward when our names were called on Younger’s behalf.  Until that moment, I didn’t realize how much I haven’t progressed or evolved. I have a very difficult time speaking to my Ex, and don’t care much for looking him in the eye, even though I haven’t done him wrong at all. He will try to engage me in trite small talk for the sake of appearances, but I have a difficult time responding with more than a word or two. During the time I endured spending on the field with him,  I realized that I still carry around a giant open wound that hasn’t healed. I’m not sure how to reduce said injury, but I think that acknowledging it gets me going in the right direction. More on that later.

Something else that has plagued me a bit is the discovery that I have been experiencing early menopause. That’s right…this old lady has hit that time of life at the ripe old age of almost 45. The rough part about that is how I am feeling quite maudlin and weepy all the time. Hormone imbalance, coupled with anticipatory empty nest syndrome, is quite a ride, but I keep telling myself to not borrow trouble that hasn’t manifested. My worry-wort self has been pretty active, and it’s time to shut that down and just live for today the best I can.

light-beamOne of the best things I can do for myself is to get back on the blogging bandwagon. I do so much better when I write, as I make myself find something positive to write about. Time to get my Pollyanna on, and get back in the groove. I’m ready to get out of the rut I’ve been in, and exude some positivity and sunshine.

Here’s hoping that you can see to get out of the ruts you fall into, and that you can find the sunshine behind the clouds. Keep looking up…the clouds move out of the way sooner or later.

Blessings all!

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