Be a weed- bloom where you land


Today, I started a chore I had been dreading: weeding behind my shed.

Generally, I enjoy putzing with plants, but I have this little plot of land that enjoys sprouting really giant weeds. It also gets a kick out of harboring feelers from my neighbor’s Virginia Creeper.

It’s really a do-nothing slug of a plot of land. Largely, that’s my fault for not paying attention to it.

Given that this is the year of “Decrappify and Spiff”, I’ve decided to try to rehab this little 10×12 piece of land. Time to get out what I don’t want or need, and make it a productive, satisfying, happy place.

I was surprised at how quickly I was able to get most of it pulled up. I was a little sad though, because there were some happy little bees harvesting pollen from a bunch of the flowering “weeds”. Seeing that, I left some of it to do for tomorrow. Let the bees have their lunch.

I pulled out a whole lot of thistle, which has the prettiest flower. I’m a huge fan of weeds and their flowers, but these do need to go in order to make way for progress. Not quite paving paradise and putting up a parking lot, but I’m aware of the irony of it. I hope to make this space as functional for the bees as for me.

So, what to do with this space? I think I’m going to take my time, and step terrace the little hill behind the house. My plan is to make my yard a fully functioning space, loaded with gardens. It needs to be an oasis that feeds me, physically and spiritually.

Wow. Sounds like a tall order, right?

Maybe, but chunked up into baby steps, each one is a doable achievement. It’s my hope that just the physical labor of doing the activities associated with what I’m calling the Back Yard Metamorphosis, will be one satisfying aspect all by itself.

In short, I’m trying to enjoy the journey of blooming where I’ve landed.

For so long, I’ve felt intimidated by all the work it will take to get this yard into shape. Now, I just want to putz with one little project at a time. It’s my hope that one day I will look up from whatever I’m planting, or harvesting, and have the sensation of having arrived. At that point, I’ll need a new project. Lol…

Now I’m off to visit a cousin I haven’t seen in person since I was 16. It will be a nice visit.

Here’s hoping you all find ways to bloom where you have landed, in whatever capacity. Beautiful flowers come in all shapes and sizes. Blessings all!

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Giving yourself permission to take baby steps


It’s been a long week. Not a terrible week, just long and slow.

At first I couldn’t understand what the reason for this was, because everything went better than anticipated. I had expected a couple of hard days at work, and it turns out that the anticipation was much harder on me than the actual events.

Note to self: Don’tover think things.

I was able to finally get my living room painted and mostly put back together. It’s a lovely shade of blue/gray which (depending on the time of day and the light in the room) can be seen as gray, various shades of blue, or purple. It’s quite a change from the cool mocha that has been on the walls since a few years before my ex left. It was just the change this room needed. Paint is a really cheap way to make a big impact in a space.

You, my Faithful Readers, will notice I mentioned my living room was mostly put back together.

My intention was to take everything out while painting, and only put back in the things I absolutely wanted in this space. For the most part, I feel I’ve been successful in doing just that. However, there are a few items I’m just not sure what to do with yet. I also don’t have any pictures back up on the walls.

It’s functional for now, and that’s what’s needed most.

I’m trying really hard not to over think it, and to give myself the time and space to just let things happen. I keep reminding myself that I get to take baby steps, and that I don’t have to be in a hurry.

This morning I will continue to sit in my lovely new space, slurp coffee with slow, wild abandon, and peruse blogs I didn’t get a chance to read yet this week.

Here’s wishing you all give yourselves the space to take all the time you need. When you feel rushed, take a big deep breath and ask yourself how it serves you to be in a hurry. Blessings all!

Depression sucks the life out of you like a mosquito.


I’ve been struggling recently. A lot.

I didn’t realize I was experiencing depression because it sneaked up on me like a mosquito looking for a meal. I keep absentmindedly swatting it away, but it finally found a place to land, dig in, and began suck the life out of me.

What could I possibly have to be depressed about? I just kicked someone to the curb, who I love very much. I just couldn’t take what he was dishing out any more. My mom is losing her mind, slowly. It’s become apparent to me that Dad knew a long time ago but didn’t say anything, and he is struggling in dealing with Mom’s issues, and what I strongly feel is depression. I still need to have a chat with him, and I’m not looking forward to it.

Feeling depressed is often mocked and made light of. I have never been in favor of just “laying down and taking it”, rather I always tell myself to get the hell up and get moving. The familiar tape plays through my head…No more feeling sorry for yourself, there are too many people counting on you so get your shit together and take care of your responsibilities. This isn’t the healthiest thing to say to one’s self, or anyone else for that matter.

These days, my perspective has changed, along with my circumstances.

Being an empty nester, I don’t have the daily need to make things happen for my kids every day. In large part, they saved my life when my ex husband left. Just the fact that I was needed made the difference, and I was able to suck it up for them. It’s different when there’s nobody at home to suck it up for.

A lot of people are able to go the route of medication as a means of feeling better. I went down that road from 2000-2008, and it was a giant medicated disaster. Most of the many anti-depression or anti-anxiety meds I gobbled either didn’t help, or had such horrendous side effects that I felt like killing myself or just slept all the time. Others have success with medication, but I’ll never go down that road again.

The only thing that does help is extreme exercise and better eating. When I was in the process of getting divorced, I walked, and walked, and walked. I spent much time and many miles just walking and thinking.

A nice unintended side effect of that was that I lost 50 pounds, and felt stronger. It gave me the space to think and work through problems. It was a like playing a long rambling game of chess with myself, working through all of the contingencies of whatever problem cropped up.

It’s probably the solution I need now. I have a tendency to eat my way through my problems, and I have gained back all of the weight I lost since joining Curves in February, plus some. Some people drink or do drugs to try to feel better. My favorite poison of choice is carbohydrates…it’s like consuming anesthesia.

Enough.

I see it now, and it’s to time to kill it like I would any other blood sucker.

I’m in the middle trying to paint my living room, and it’s been hard slogging. I have painted this same room twice before, and have done it in less time. That’s ok. It will get done this week, and that will have to be good enough. No more beating myself up because I’m not moving fast enough. It’s just me living here, and I don’t have to worry about anyone else being inconvenienced.

It’s time to clean out my fridge and only stock it with things that aren’t junk. The less carbs I eat, the better off I will be. More Whole Foods, less processed pretend food.

Time to get started. Daylight’s burning.

Here’s wishing you are all finding a way to practice self care, however that looks like in your world. Taking care of yourself is a good thing. Blessings all!

Changing priorities


I sit here slurping coffee, while I stare at my living room ceiling and try to gather up the energy to finish painting it.

Last night I tore up my living room, and moved a bunch of stuff out so I would have the room to get my step ladder around the room. My ceiling has needed painting for so many years, and I’m just now getting around to doing it. It will be lovely and fresh when it’s done, but it sure is a disaster now. My spare room and my kitchen are full of stuff from the living room, and my little house is quite a wreck.

Today, I’ll finish painting the living room ceiling. I’m tempted to paint the walls while everything is pulled apart. It would be the smart thing to do, and I guess I should just go get the paint and do it. I have the paint for the kitchen, and I have been so looking forward to getting that done, but it doesn’t make any sense to put the living room back together only to have it be pulled apart again later.

The original plan was to paint all of the ceilings, and then do the kitchen. I see now that flexibility is key, and I need to just roll with what makes sense in the moment. More on that as it progresses.

In other news, it looks like I will be going to see the fireworks show with The Flirt tonight. We haven’t spoken in person for a couple of weeks, since we had “the talk”. It was a difficult discussion, and I had expected to come away from it single and going forward just concerning myself with me, and my family’s needs.

It never, ever, occurred to me that he would try to change my mind. Huh.

Well, I came away with a compromise. I at least wanted a break, and we agreed on a month just to see how things would settle. It’s been weird, but I’ve enjoyed the time alone. It was sorely needed, and I’ve been glad for it.

I have missed him, but I know I don’t want to go back to the way things were. If he wants me back, things will have to change. A lot.

So we when he asked me if I wanted to go watch the fireworks with him, I was of two minds. This is only a couple of weeks into my month long break, but my curiosity is overwhelming. No lie, it’s going to be awkward. I am not entirely sure what my motivation here is, but I’m interested to see what happens, so I’ll go watch the fireworks with him and see how things play out.

Right now, my coffee is almost gone and the ceiling isn’t going to paint itself. Time get started.

Here’s wishing you all the motivation to get up and do whatever needs doing, especially when it comes to priorities that change as you go. Blessings all!

Sometimes ships need to dock


I found this little fortune in some stuff I was shredding just now.

This was pinned to my cube wall, or rather a series of them, when I worked at the Cube Farm. I remember thinking that I needed to get out and do things, and live.

I’ve come to a point where I feel like it’s time to dock my ship in safe harbor. Time to rest, restock, and retool.

At some point, I will want to sail out for new adventures, but it will be with a refreshed outlook, and different priorities.

That’s a good thing.

Here’s hoping you all find safe harbor when needed. It’s ok to rest up a bit before finding new and interesting things to do. Blessings all!

Shredding my way to a happier space


As discussed yesterday, I have a very long “to-do” list. There is so much to do that it’s difficult to know even where to start.

This weekend was supposed to be about getting my ceilings painted with a nice fresh coat of bright white paint. I also need to get a start on painting my basement floor in preparation to re-engineer what used to be the Man Cave, into my personal craft/project space.

I’m starting to understand that my “to-do” list needs to be more like my bucket list.

My bucket list is populated by some long term ideas, but also has plenty of space for things which appear in the moment. It’s very flexible, though for the moment somewhat dormant.

Yesterday, I began to move some things around in the basement, and discovered I have quite a lot of old paperwork stored, some of it going back to 2001. Good grief… there’s at least two large totes full, plus some other smaller containers. This is in the basement, on top of the tote I have stored in my living room.

<sigh>

So. I guess it’s time to shred. Not only does it free up space, but it frees up totes I can use to store other things.

I also found that in order to move things around to paint, I need to downsize. “Less is more” will be my mantra going forward. Getting rid of anything that doesn’t serve me comes first, and I feel like it will make the difference for all that comes later.

I so badly wanted to get the painting done, but decided to be flexible and put dealing with these needs before everything else. I cleared out a bunch of books and craft supplies, which I will donate to a local charity tomorrow. When Older Son was here yesterday, I was happy to gift him with several items I don’t use that he will find handy in his new apartment. He also helped me move some cupboards from the kitchen to the basement. Better storage downstairs, more room upstairs.

I’m not just making more room for things to be rearranged. I’m eliminating a whole lot of what I call pots of poison… old paperwork with my ex’s name on it. Just a lot of dusty old stuff from sadder days that no one needs anymore.

I’m making more room for me. I want to remake myself and expand into my newly rejuvenated space, at whatever pace I feel like.

As for the shredding, no time like the present. Last night I shredded until one tote was completely empty. One down, several more to go. It’s agonizingly slow, as I need to go through everything in case there might be something I need to keep. I’ve run into a few things, and thankfully they are just a few.

Baby steps… I’ll get there eventually, but it’s so hard to be patient.

Here’s hoping you all find ways to reorganize, and expand into your space, in whatever time you choose. It’s very cathartic, and highly recommended. Blessings all!

Blowing off productivity


Today I have many, many things to get done. The “To Do” list is more than a little overwhelming, quite frankly.

So, what do I do in the face of this daunting chore list? I baked banana muffins.

That’s right, this slacker chose to goof off in her kitchen rather than clean her house. I didn’t even bother to multitask by making sure I had laundry going at the same time. That’s what my programming tells me I did.

What really happened is that I used up some really ripe bananas before they went bad, and baked for me and my family. I also managed to clean up the kitchen in the process. And, no laundry got done because I’m leaving that open for Older Son to do his laundry when he stops by today. This is the truth that gets overshadowed by societal programming: productivity at all costs. If you aren’t producing something someone else thinks is worthwhile, what good are you?

Well… to Hell with that.

Now I’m sitting here in the sunshine blogging with my belly full of warm banana muffins and coffee. My depraved rebellion knows no bounds, it seems. So there, Society…stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

I have a three day weekend to do as I please, and I’m going to do the best I can to get things done in my own way, as I feel like it. And, I have banana muffins made from my Grandmother’s recipe to snack on and share with my family while doing so.

Speaking of my Grandma, I got to use something of hers today that hardly ever comes out of the drawer – her potato masher. It only gets used for two activities: mashing potatoes and bananas.

I love the things that I inherited from her and her sister, Aunty B. I have a lot of good memories of them, and I’m so grateful to use their things and be able to pass them down to my kids.

One of my many tasks this weekend is to make some hard choices about some of the crap I have laying around my house, and cull a bunch of it. There are going to be a LOT of things donated next week.

When Older Son stops by today, he and I will go through a bunch of stuff and clear out his old room. It will be storage and staging for stuff that I keep while getting other spaces squared away. It’s going to be a good weekend.

Here’s wishing you all the grace and space to do what you feel like doing, in your own time, rather that what society deems necessary. Banana muffin blessings all!