I don’t talk about it here often, but I suffer from depression. I am like so many others who have similar issues, and while it has become very mainstream to let things all hang out in the public view I still have a difficult time speaking about my own experiences with anyone. I was trained from a very young age that airing your dirty laundry for everyone to see is a cardinal sin. Nobody cares that you are having a hard time, Sparrow. Suck it up and get on with things. You have responsibilities and no time for weakness or self pity.
I’ve become very, very good at hiding it. After years of stuffing things down and hiding it from everyone else, the seams get week it begins to leak out.
Lately I’ve become aware that it has creeped back into my life, slowly, insidiously, like some shadow in a horror flick. Except, there’s no creepy music to warn me that it is standing right behind me now.
I struggled to get up today, like I have for the last several weeks, but I made myself get up and do something. While straightening up in my living room, the ball of yarn attached to the shawl I’m making rolled off into the floor. I was struck by how well it illustrates how I feel, when previously I couldn’t begin to try to put words together to express it.
I’ve been feeling like I’m hanging on by a thread, not quite cut loose but kind of just waiting to be reeled in back to the main body of the yarn. Just waiting in a holding pattern. Just going through the motions.
Today I think I will reel myself back in, now that I realize what’s going on.
It’s going to be slow going, and I will have to be diligent in making sure I keep moving no matter what.
Slow motions count, even though slow slogging through life feels worthless and ineffectual. Sometimes I sit and curl up with the tv or phone, paralyzed with feeling worthless. What I forget is that even one room, or just even a corner of a room, or a drawer, cleaned up or organized makes your space better than what it previously had been.
It’s ok to give yourself credit for even the smallest victories. Collecting a lot of small blessings wraps up into something bigger.
I actually made mention to my boyfriend, The Flirt, that I was struggling, and why, today. I know it’s pretty awful if I was willing to say something out loud to him and ask for help with something that is overwhelming me. In the 7 years I’ve been seeing this man off and on, I don’t believe I’ve ever said anything to him. It felt awful, and terrifying, and relieving all at the same time.
Enough talking. Time to get up and do something. I have a bunch of small things I can pick away at today, and that will help.
I want to leave you with a message from a really great guy I have been following on Facebook. This video really caught my attention and gave me pause to think about my own situation. Please give this a watch, I promise it’s worth the time.
Here’s hoping this message finds its way to anyone who needs to hear it, and that it helps. It’s ok to ask for help, even if it is for the smallest task. Blessings all.