Greetings to you, my Faithful Readers…
I know it’s been a while, and I have been away for a long time. To say that I have been busy would be a bit of an understatement. Not only did Younger Son graduate from high school and then join the military after a nice long summer, but I have also been occupied with my two jobs, as well as trying to have a semblance of a personal life. I have also been caught up in shenanigans from my ex husband. All in all, it’s been quite a wild ride this year, most especially this last half.
Recently, the thing that has struck me the most is my inability to “get it together”, as it were. I’ve kind of floated through life this last year half freaked out, and half numb, not quite understanding what my problem is. I’ve felt a general sense of being paralyzed in my thoughts and ability to function. It’s a little like walking through life where there’s no color, no passion, no real living…there’s been a whole lot of existing.
In the last couple of months I’ve had some epiphanies, and just now I’ve been able to piece together in my head what my heart has been hollering at me for quite a while: I’ve really had the terrible feeling of not having a purpose.
What?! How can one not have a purpose? Well, let’s define that a little better. I can’t find a meaningful purpose for my daily existence. I haven’t had a goal of what I want to do, or be, or where I want to go. My sole purpose for the last 5 years has been to get my children through school, and launched into the world as productive, self-sufficient human beings. Older Son is working, has successfully financed his first vehicle by himself, and really doesn’t need me so much any more. Younger Son, as I earlier mentioned, is off learning about the world via the military. He will learn a skill that is marketable in civilian life, and is pretty self-sufficient. I miss him terribly, but I don’t worry for him. At least not yet. In short, I’m here…now what?
What about my work? Do I not find a purpose, or a reason to get up in the morning for that alone? Yes. Just barely. In the last month, I have been able to get a new position at the Cube Farm. It did come with a little bit of a raise and the people I work with are nice, with the exception of my Ex. Yes, he also got promoted to this new department. It’s been more than a little stressful having him in close proximity, especially now that he is dragging me through court…again. Even though that makes it uncomfortable, the work is so boring and overwhelming at the same time… so much coming at me at once. It’s a little like trying to take a sip out of a wide open fire hydrant, and not terribly inspiring. At least my last position was something I believed in. I loved the people I worked for, and therefore worked harder.
Between some pretty awful changes at work locally, and at a Corporate level, and my lack on anyone to take care of, I feel cut loose and rudderless. I don’t feel like I have a stable platform to stand on every day where I know what I am about, and what I need to do, other than just to go through the motions of getting through the day.
Quite frankly, I feel a little as though I’m on a big highway to Nowhere.
How about my love life? I’m ok with it. However, I know that it can be better. This brings me to my first epiphany. I think I might be ready to move in with my Flirt. It will take some sacrifice on both sides because we are both somewhat set in our ways, but I think we’ll do ok once we get there.
Younger Son said something to me this Summer, just before he left, that inspired me. He encouraged me to move away, and get a fresh start. My brother is busy trying to get me and my parents to move closer to his family. We’ve missed out on a lot of each other’s lives being so far away, and I’m ready to have more family around again. Second epiphany: I’m done with this place, and I would dearly love to have a clean break from it and go somewhere new and interesting.
How do I get those two ideas (moving in with my Flirt, and moving away) together and moving in the same direction? It helps that my Flirt was present for that conversation with Younger Son and promptly agreed, saying “yeah, let’s go“. No hesitation, no worry about what to do when we get to wherever it is that we are going. That’s one of the things I love about him. He brings a spontaneous sense of adventure to my life.
Just this last few months, I’ve felt a fire growing in my belly that I’ve not had in a long time. I’ve spoken about having a fire in one’s belly before. This fire isn’t so much the comfy campfire kind. It’s more like a conflagration, raging out of control underneath everything else that is stressing me out. It’s not something I built consciously, but it just kind of sprang up out of left field. I can see in my head what I want, and where I want to be, and when I want to get there, but I don’t have a clear path yet and it’s frustrating. As such, I’ve almost avoided thinking about it, while still getting ate up by it. This is the sense of purpose that I have been missing, and I need to get a choke hold on it and not fear it, or worry over it, or obsess on it. I need to prepare to be ready to jump on a good opportunity when it becomes available.
So, what’s the plan? Good question. There’s a lot to consider, and it’s more than a little overwhelming. I have a tendency to get lost in the weeds, so I have narrowed my goals down to a few items to try to keep it manageable:
1. Get my house ready for sale.
That’s right. I’m ready to dump my happy little fixer upper. First, I have a little fixing up to do. Hopefully most of it will just be cosmetic, and stuff I can do over the next year.
2. Get my finances under control.
During the last two years, my Ex decided that he didn’t want to pay what the court ordered him to pay me, and I have been robbing Peter to pay Paul. As a result, I’m trying to dig out, and get my suffering credit score out of the dumper.
3. Get healthy
I back-slid something fierce in the health department, having gained 25 lbs in the last year. I know most of it has to do with stress, because there’s nothing like the crunchy fabulousness of chips and dip, or the velvety goodness of ice cream, when the world is falling down around your ears. I’m pretty miserable carrying all of this extra weight, and I want to feel good again.
4. Get the situation with my Ex under control for good.
I’m tired of him thumbing his nose at me, and at the court system. They command him to do something, “or else”, and then he just does what he wants anyway without repercussion. I’m hopeful that this will be the last go-round with him in the court system, and that it will be done by the time March rolls around.
5. I need to get my spiritual life active again
What does this entail? All sorts of things that I just haven’t engaged in for a very long time. At this time in my life, though, I don’t feel bound by any one religion, or spiritual practice. I’ve come to realize, having been raised a Lutheran, you can take the girl out of the church, but you can’t quite take the Lutheran out of the girl. Much of who I am comes from that upbringing, even though I don’t agree with a bunch of what I was taught. I was also a practicing Wiccan for several years and, though there are some things about that mode of spirituality I don’t agree with anymore, there is much of value I can take comfort in. There’s a whole world of spiritual goodness out there, and I want to get back to being a seeker.
6. I need to learn how to live simply and decrapify (yes, that’s a word. At least in my world)
My house is full of crap I don’t need, and hardly use. My next dwelling will most likely be an apartment, or something I can rent, and I want to be able to pick up and go with as little drama and effort as possible. That means getting rid of things that don’t serve any immediate or lasting purpose.
7. Start writing again
I missed writing, and I missed interaction with you. I have had a habit of thinking in recent times that I didn’t have anything to write about that anyone would be interested in. The truth is, I have loved writing this blog for me. I found healing in it, and it’s something I need and want to get back to.
Well, I think I might have exhausted myself with all of this blather. I guess it’s been pent-up for a while and it feels good to write again. I missed it, and I’ve missed you guys.
I hope you all have that thing that lights a fire in your gut, and that makes you feel like you have a purpose. If you don’t, come walk with me and we’ll find it together. Blessings, all!