Rereading old posts

I got a comment yesterday on a posting I did way back in April. While April is only four months ago, it seems like an eternity. It happened so long ago that I had to go back and reread the post to fully understand the comment. Wow…lots of posts between here and there, and wouldn’t you know it…I actually passed my 100th posting a few posts back. When I began this blog, I never knew that I would have so much to say!

I think it’s a good idea to go back and read what you’ve written from time to time. I think I gained some perspective on things that have happened; certainly about my ex husband. I was pleased to find out that I’m generally less angry than I used to be. Is that healing? I don’t think so…I think being angry for too long just wears a person out and you have to let it go or let it suck you into the darkness. I’m glad I chose to try to focus on more positive things since that upset post in April.

Life isn’t always goodness and light, and I think that to leave out the dark stuff would be dishonest. However, there is probably always a better way to communicate something than just lashing out. Writing here has made me a little more thoughtful about how I communicate things, which has helped not only here, but in other areas of my life. I have read many posts from women who are angry with their ex husbands, and in most I see a lessening of the anger over time. I do know of one blogger who is still ranting and raving, and I wonder, when I’ve seen all those angry words, is that couldn’t there be somewhere or someone else that energy be better spent on? Who knows…I don’t have the answers, just the perspective from my little place on the High Plains.

What I do know is that blogging has been a fun exercise in thought – what I think about,  how I think about things, and how I communicate those thoughts with others. I hope that six months from now I’ll feel even more enlightened!

Blogging as communication therapy…who knew?

Confessions of a Lead Foot Annie

Older son and I went out to run errands today. We ran to the bank, returned some unused home improvement items, bought some other home improvement items, and had a load of river rock delivered for the edging I’ll be putting up around the house. A very successful morning, but one that wouldn’t have been possible without getting in the car and driving.

Even though we live in a small town (approx. 37,000) our traffic can be hectic, and fast-paced, especially around rush-hour times like Noon and 6pm. My problem isn’t with the fast drivers…it’s with the slow pokes. You know the ones I’m talking about; the sight seers and looky-loos. The ones who like to take their sweet time and don’t care that I have somewhere to be make me cranky.  Those who are driving ahead of me, seemingly without a purpose really get under my skin.

Today, Older Son commented to me that I needed to have more patience with people. This was said after I complained bitterly that “Farmer Bob will not get the lead out, and get of my way!”  It was obvious to me that the aforementioned “Farmer Bob” had plenty of time to go and was just gazing about, not paying attention. When I’m driving, I seldom drive just for the fun of driving. I always have a purpose and a place to be, and god help other drivers if they can’t get the lead out and get going. By that I don’t mean that I would exact any sort of vengeance, except for the rare occasion I have to blow the horn at a particularly oblivious driver. But, let me tell you about the chatter that happens in my car. The vitriolic commentary coming from my driver’s seat,  directed at bozos on the road, is prolific and merciless. Of course, I watch the swearing as I usually have kids in the car with me, but I am pretty creative with my descriptors and directives.

I know that driving with impatience is not good. It’s not good for the driver, the passengers or the other drivers on the road. It’s a bad habit, and I’m in the process of trying to relax when I drive and tone down the invective a little bit. In the spirit of changing my ways, I’ve put together a to-do list of driving habits I need to change:

  1. Anyone and everyone else who just can’t get the lead out should not be addressed as Farmer Bob. I actually know some farmers named Bob, and they are neither slow nor incompetent drivers. This bad habit of mine came from living on the Prairie my whole life and having been stuck behind my share of  farm equipment driving down a skinny road. It’s slow going…ugh.
  2. Breathe deep and be patient with the elderly who can’t help but go slow. I need to remember that it will be me driving slow when I hit that stage of life. At least I hope I’m still driving when I’m old!
  3. I have been a bozo in some other driver’s estimation, at various times in my life, so I need to get off my high horse and cut other people some slack.
  4. Perhaps, instead of hurling insults at my fellow drivers, I should just hum a tune to keep my mouth busy while I’m waiting for my turn to go… even if grass is growing underneath their car for going so slow.
  5. I need to be conscious of showing a good example for my kids to learn from. I have one son driving, and the other one will begin driving a year from now. You know it’s bad when your kid tells you to have some patience.

Wish me luck…old habits die hard!

Cut away what no longer serves

Several times this week, I’ve heard this phrase: Cut away what no longer serves.

Now this is not something one hears every day, and I’ve heard it from at least three completely unrelated sources.  It’s a rather formal sounding way to communicate to someone to shed their useless baggage or habits. When I heard it the phrase was not directed to me, but said by each person about themselves and their own lives, yet it was a communication that rung my bell in a very significant way.

There is so much in my life that doesn’t serve me any more. In recent months I have thrown away, re-purposed or given away things that I don’t need, and I am in the middle of a home renovation. I don’t think this phrase I keep hearing has to do with material things, so…. that leaves the aforementioned baggage.

To cut away something you have to first find out where it is attached. How am I hooked up to it and what does it cost me to keep it or let it go? Anger is a big one for me. I’m one pissed off camper, for a lot of good reasons, but how long does one keep that before it becomes toxic to you and those around you? And how is it hooked up? In my case it seems to be spring-loaded so that it only pops out when the right trigger causes it to fire, and how do you disarm that trigger? Where is the Baggage Bomb Squad to help me find the right wire to cut?

So, once you make the decision to let that baggage go, where then do you put something so tangible it could sit on a shelf? I certainly don’t want to keep it around here. I have some ideas about where I’d like to put it, but I don’t think they are legal. What I’d like to do is find a way to re-purpose this next to useless emotion, along with the hurt and sadness, and so many other feelings that I’ve been dragging around with me for a year.

There comes a time when an emotion isn’t fresh anymore. Once it has been fired off, somehow there should be a resolution to it so it can dissipate after having served its purpose. Once there is no more purpose it just stagnates and feeds back on it self, and it grows and causes damage to anything around it. It reminds me a little bit of  food sitting in the back of the fridge that has gone bad…pretty soon stuff that’s touching it goes bad as well.

I hate cleaning out the fridge, but it has to be done. I guess I need to have a nice long look into my metaphysical fridge and do a good scrubbing.

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