An anniversary and an epiphany


Yesterday we went out to run some errands really quick. On the way to our first stop, Older Son said something that really annoyed the crap out of me, and I couldn’t quite let it go. It wasn’t that he said anything particularly incendiary, but it was the way he spoke to me that really lit my hair on fire.  After that I had a really hard time being civil, and I can’t even remember the content of the comment. I just remember the sound of it and how it made me feel.

By the time we made it to Walmart I was in such a snit I could barely see straight. The boys both went to Game Stop, and I went into Walmart and did my shopping. By the time they came back I was still angry and upset and couldn’t figure out why. I finally figured it out when Older Son turned to me and chastised me for purchasing a particular piece of fruit…in a tone his father used to use on me all the time. Then it hit me…I wasn’t angry at Older Son, I was angry with my ex.

I’m approaching the anniversary of when my world exploded and my marriage died. I don’t feel that I should have to worry about approaching this kind of anniversary, but for some reason my body isn’t listening to any good advice. In the last few months I’ve been depressed and feeling the need to hide. I’ve had no energy to do anything, and would like nothing better than to go to my room, close the door, and lose myself in a good book. But I spent the better part of ten years doing just that. The difference between now and then is that I tried to medicate myself back to happiness. I think I must have been perscribed almost every antidepressant/anti-anxiety med at one time or another. They all come with their own little quirks, and they all come with their own side effects. The side effects generally cancel out any benefit you might get from taking a given medication.

The last thing my doctor put me on was Lamictal, which is an anticonvulsant, after having diagnosed me with Bi-polar II. This particular malady causes a person to stay in a depressed low and have almost no manic periods. She must know, right? So, I took it  and hoped for the best. After being on that for a year, the side effects of the other medication went away and I had no problems. I continued to improve and things got so good at work, I ended up getting promoted to a job checking other people’s work. After a while, I quit taking it, feeling like I didn’t need it any more. Turns out I was right. The Lamictal didn’t do anything for me, really, but I was able to get all that other crap worked out of my system and get to know myself again. Not only did work improve, but things improved at home too…or so I thought. Just about this time last year, when I was riding high on my success, my husband was planning a trip to visit family, and plotting to cheat on me with an old girlfriend from high school….the bastard. More about that in a later rant. I’ll be doing a lot of that in the coming weeks.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that I can at least identify why I’ve been so out of sorts and put an end to it. Life starts today, as it does every day…all I can do is take it one step at a time.

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About Sparrow
I am a 47 years young and the mother of two amazing young men, who've grown up and left me mostly an Empty-Nester. I write about what's going on in my little corner of the High Plains, or what happens to be crawling across my brain on a given day. Thank you so much for stopping by. Make yourself at home...through the magic of the internet, the coffee's always free and the doughnuts are fresh!

5 Responses to An anniversary and an epiphany

  1. breaaire says:

    My dear friend, I feel for you. It’s hard when you’ve got all these feelings, and can’t release them on the person that deserves them. It can be even harder when you notice the other parent’s particularly irritating behaviors in your children. Just know that you’re not alone, and if you need to vent, I am here! Love ya, Sparrow!

  2. Lorena says:

    I have those episodes, too. When my husband does something, and I get really mad, and it turns out he’s done something that resembles either my abusive mother or my siblings. Life sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?

    I can easily understand that your first year “anniversary” would depress you. Heavens, 12 little months have gone by. A few days ago I was processing heavy stuff from a job I lost in 2003, and that was just a job.

    Good luck with all the shit. I hope you’ll be able to feel the feelings, process the info, and get on with your life.

    • sparrow1969 says:

      Thanks for your post Lorena. I’m seeing a light at the end of the tunnel these days, but it’s been a long time in coming. I have the feeling that once this year is finally up, it will make all the difference in the world.

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